whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
