I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
