If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
