I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
