Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
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Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
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Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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