My friends, they love my intelligence
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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