just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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