i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
