I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
