how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
He passed out mid-signature
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
