i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Randomize
