All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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