she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
He passed out mid-signature
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
