Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
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