Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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