I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
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