I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
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