Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Randomize
