I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize