It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
