know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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