I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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