Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I love you. Go after that dick
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
