Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
