I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize
