im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
