My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Randomize
