My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
