No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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