i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
