Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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