The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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