Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
