He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
