I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
where does the pee come out of this thing
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
