I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Randomize
