I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Just pee around me
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
