i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
