My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
