i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
