my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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