His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
