I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Randomize
