people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
