I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
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