one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
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