Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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