every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Randomize
