I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
