she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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