I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Randomize
