I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
