It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
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