i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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