I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
The struggles of a small town man whore
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
