I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
