the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
