I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Randomize
