2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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